"Love talked about can be easily pushed aside, but love demonstrated is irresistable"-W Stanley Mooneyham

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

50 cents? Oh fine...take it all.

Name that movie.




My sister and mom will chime in any minute to tell you FIRST WIVES CLUB. We watched it 300,000 times, and that's all I can think of when I think of the robber who broke in my car yesterday and stole my purse.



He was probably thinking, this is the greatest day of my life...


and then he opened my wallet up to find somewhere between 40 and 75 cents (on a good day).


I say "he" because you know no girl is going to steal your purse knowing your favorite lip gloss, camera with your family pictures and all forms of identification are about to vanish. Us women don't do things like that to each other, right?!




Sheesh...


MEN.




Anywho...my point of this story is not to complain.




I did enough of that when we came home from the gym and realized that my purse was in fact stolen. Blake walked into the house, searched everywhere and came out to assure me that it had in fact been stolen. I reacted with grace and dignity...



I threw that water bottle so hard across the parking lot and yelled, "DAMNIT!!!!!!"


I like to pride myself on my ability to hold my composure when I'm pissed :)


I will say the worst part about this whole experience was that they took my most priceless possesion. You may wonder what that might be? Well, it's this...



I had $9 FREAKING DOLLARS IN REWARDS POINTS!!!!

Do you know how hard that is to do?! Well, I'll tell you...YOU HAVE TO EAT $90 WORTH OF YOGURT!!! All that work just down the tube. And you know the worst part?!

I forgot to add that to my claim on my homeowner's insurance today!!!!!

Anywho...my point of this story has completely gotten side-tracked.

(Apparently I'm seeing that I have anger issues by the "AAKHDIHEH" and the "!!!!!!!!!!!!!")

Where's my nutra calm vitamin when I need one?!

That's another post for another day...(my holistic doctor told me my nerves are shot these days...I could have saved the $90 and diagnosed myself with that)

Anywho...

My point is that all of this may have been the biggest blessing in disguise...

I don't think I've ever wished so badly that I could have shared a day with someone so bad as I did today.

It was glorious.

Magnificent.

Quite possible the best day I've had in years...and let me tell you why...

I LAUGHED MY A** OFF (not quite sure why I feel the need to *** on certain words and not others, but just go with it...)

My first experience was at the DMV.

Are you still reading? Probably not. but I have to remember this day so I'll keep writing...

I spotted the cutest little baby I've ever seen in my life...and then I looked up to see it's 19 year old mother (maybe I should clarify and say that none of this is actually funny...more just mind-boggling-well, this part anyway).

The baby was 10 months old, didn't have any of it's little teeth yet and was WALKING (smart baby!) barefoot through the DMV. I started talking to her and telling her how freaking adorable her baby was...I even asked if I could have him!


You can't take me out in public. I apologize.


Anywho...when he started crying she handed him a bottle filled with pink lemonade. A 10 MONTH OLD BABY PINK LEMONADE! She said, "He won't drink any a dat infamil or nothin'...he be eatin like a real man even though he ain't got no teeth."

Fair enough...

and then she pulled out a family size bag of salt and vinegar chips and handed the baby (WITHOUT TEETH) a handful of rippled chips.

Instantly I regretted all those times I passed up learning CPR.

Much to my surprise...after he made a sour face, he ate them!

Who says I know anything?!


Then came the social security office. Luckily I had the joy of sitting by the 70 year old versions of Lucy and Ethel. The first thing out of their mouths to the security guard keeping watch over all 300 of us was, "Sir...SIR!! Turn this channel to dem' soap opera's...this Andy Griffith shit be whack."

"Ma'am we've been informed that we're not allowed to do that...they say it's not appropriate for the chitlins"

The other one yelled out, "Well, I can't read a damn thing back here on dem' subtitles"

I loved them already.

They talked to me about how much they hated Judge Judy...I mean they HATE HER. They critiqued each woman's hairstyle that walked through the doors, they made stink faces and this man sitting in front of us with a bandage on his arm saying behind is back, "man, das jus nasty. You don't even do that in public."

And then by far my favorite part of the whole day was when a 16 year old boy came and sat down next to us telling us about his cruise he just went on with his family. The one farthest from me sat straight up and got all but 9 inches from that child's face asking where he had been.

"Well, Belize, Honduras, the Grand Cayman Islands..."

"THAT GRAND CADEMAN'S ISLAND!!!!....Damn, you know I'd been wantin' to go ever since dat movie The Firm came out with dat Tom Cruise and they had that swim-up bar...Lord, I could have some GOOD times at dat swim up bar now!!'

"Ohhhh yeah...some GOOD times!" said her friend

"You know how much dat was?! I wus driving down Lauren's Road da otha' day and I saw they had a special for $499 to the Grand Cademan's Islands..."

"Well, no ma'am my dad took us on that trip"

"oh yeah of course he did...damn, I need a daddy."

NUMBER E7888 please come to Hall A room 15

And just like that my time was up with my new favorite friends.

But not before I stood up and got a, "Damn, that dress you be wearin's pretty."


Well, thank you, Lucy.


You made my damn day a damn good day.



41 comments:

  1. oh my gosh.. dying. you are back! :) i am so sorry about your purse, but love the stories!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. ahhhh! This struck a chord with me, you know why! Glad you got to experience it for a day. Sorry about your purse, but I'll tell you that in person in A WEEK and A HALF!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!! Thats some shit right there! ;-)

    I just started busting out laughing and told B "I miss Boo Boo! She always makes my day 100 times better." Love the stories!

    ReplyDelete
  4. hahahahhahahaha!!!!! i loved every minute of reading this, and then Alex had me read it out loud to him because I was laughing so hard. So glad to hear such a frustrating day could turn out to be so fun. I love you and I'm glad your life is back in order!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ahhh Meg- thanks for coming back. My days were dark and lonely with out your blog!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh my gosh!!! Girl you crazy! Straight up....crazy! Thanks for the laugh! I am sitting here laughing and crying! Too funny!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hahahahaha.......STOP IT!!! I could die and only wish I would have been there with you!!! HILARIOUS!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. OMG I am dying!! And the pink lemonade? Good thing that baby doesn't have teeth yet; they'd be rotten in no time!

    ReplyDelete
  9. where are the posts?!? you are missed:)

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  10. We miss your blog! Come back! Please?

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  11. Merry Merry Christmas! Do come back, I agree!

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  12. Come back please!

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  13. I loved getting your comment, Megan! I agree with everyone else...I miss reading your posts!

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  14. holy batman you won 2 giveaways
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    buy a lotto ticket chickee.
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  15. argh. boggs
    need to proof read

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